OK, so I told him. Big freakin' deal.
I told my Ex that I was till in love with him.
Now what? Now life must go on. Believe me, physically I have. But the me inside has yet to move his butt. Oh, woe is me. Oh, why must this befall me. Of all people. Go fuck yourself and your uncle.
Being an emotional person sucks. I'd rather be a person who is void of emotion, and just go through the motions. Maybe, I could be a mean person. God knows I was on the verge of mean the night his brother died.
Oh, by the way. My ex's brother died on Friday. He had to go back to his hometown- but there were no train tickets or bus tickets that night. I fetched him from town in the most massive jam this city has ever seen- obviously I was super pissed at the slowness and patheticity of the bloody traffic jam. Due to some miscommunication, my ex did not see my car when it passed by him as he waited for me. So I terlajak and I had to make an illegal parking somewhere which blocked traffic in a lane and it caused a slight jam. And after I parked my car illegally, and people were honking at me, I simply screamed at the top of my lungs, screamed my Ex's name through the crowd . You see, he was still waiting for me several metres behind me, so of course I had to scream to grab his attention. I noticed some people who were waiting nearby had shocked looks on their faces. Oh WTF. We ended up not catching his train due to the jam- he wanted to jump illegally on the train at the Kempas train station. We then went to the bus station in the hope of getting a night bus back to his hometown. There weren't any more busses to Kelantan that night. Being the pathetically "still in love with you" Ex-boyfriend, I made an effort to ask many ticket counters on the availability of tickets. But he decided to buy a ticket for the next morning. We drove away to a stall to have dinner. He told me about his annual dinner the previous night, and that he won a DVD hi-fi set in a lucky draw and how his pharmacy outlet won the best outlet in his company. He told me about the outfit he wore with the masquarade theme. Honestly, I thought the green colour of his shirt was off-putting especially when matched with those dark brown/purple velvety slacks. Oh, well. He was happy talking about his annual dinner, despite losing in the singing contest he was selected, and despite the sad news he got the next day.
After dinner, we went to his house to fix up his new DVD and hi-fi set, and it was nearly 1am when I told him. I said I was still in love with him, and that he was always good enough for me, and that my feelings went beyond our current relationship (his own definition) as foster big brother-little brother. I told him that I would not put any pressure on him to say anything, and that if he did not say anything, then I know that the feeling isn't mutual. I said that I had to say it because I wanted to move on with my life, because let's face it- I sooo cannot move on with my life because I still have feelings for him. And I apologised to him for blurting it out at that unsuitable time- i.e just after knowing that his brother died.
His reaction? He did look at me for a while, but he looked a bit uncomfortable, and he avoided eye contact on several instances. Then he lay faced-down because he was dead tired. I understood. It was late. I left his house, as his head was still faced-down. He was asleep, I think. He may have been too tired to reply or say anything.
The next night I called him up, and he was still on the bus and I found out that his trip was delayed as the bus broke down on the way to his hometown.
He asked me what I was doing and I told him I had a night assignment with the Home Minister, and he commented about the said minister, and we said goodbye and take care and all that.
And that was that.
I told my Ex that I was till in love with him.
Now what? Now life must go on. Believe me, physically I have. But the me inside has yet to move his butt. Oh, woe is me. Oh, why must this befall me. Of all people. Go fuck yourself and your uncle.
Being an emotional person sucks. I'd rather be a person who is void of emotion, and just go through the motions. Maybe, I could be a mean person. God knows I was on the verge of mean the night his brother died.
Oh, by the way. My ex's brother died on Friday. He had to go back to his hometown- but there were no train tickets or bus tickets that night. I fetched him from town in the most massive jam this city has ever seen- obviously I was super pissed at the slowness and patheticity of the bloody traffic jam. Due to some miscommunication, my ex did not see my car when it passed by him as he waited for me. So I terlajak and I had to make an illegal parking somewhere which blocked traffic in a lane and it caused a slight jam. And after I parked my car illegally, and people were honking at me, I simply screamed at the top of my lungs, screamed my Ex's name through the crowd . You see, he was still waiting for me several metres behind me, so of course I had to scream to grab his attention. I noticed some people who were waiting nearby had shocked looks on their faces. Oh WTF. We ended up not catching his train due to the jam- he wanted to jump illegally on the train at the Kempas train station. We then went to the bus station in the hope of getting a night bus back to his hometown. There weren't any more busses to Kelantan that night. Being the pathetically "still in love with you" Ex-boyfriend, I made an effort to ask many ticket counters on the availability of tickets. But he decided to buy a ticket for the next morning. We drove away to a stall to have dinner. He told me about his annual dinner the previous night, and that he won a DVD hi-fi set in a lucky draw and how his pharmacy outlet won the best outlet in his company. He told me about the outfit he wore with the masquarade theme. Honestly, I thought the green colour of his shirt was off-putting especially when matched with those dark brown/purple velvety slacks. Oh, well. He was happy talking about his annual dinner, despite losing in the singing contest he was selected, and despite the sad news he got the next day.
After dinner, we went to his house to fix up his new DVD and hi-fi set, and it was nearly 1am when I told him. I said I was still in love with him, and that he was always good enough for me, and that my feelings went beyond our current relationship (his own definition) as foster big brother-little brother. I told him that I would not put any pressure on him to say anything, and that if he did not say anything, then I know that the feeling isn't mutual. I said that I had to say it because I wanted to move on with my life, because let's face it- I sooo cannot move on with my life because I still have feelings for him. And I apologised to him for blurting it out at that unsuitable time- i.e just after knowing that his brother died.
His reaction? He did look at me for a while, but he looked a bit uncomfortable, and he avoided eye contact on several instances. Then he lay faced-down because he was dead tired. I understood. It was late. I left his house, as his head was still faced-down. He was asleep, I think. He may have been too tired to reply or say anything.
The next night I called him up, and he was still on the bus and I found out that his trip was delayed as the bus broke down on the way to his hometown.
He asked me what I was doing and I told him I had a night assignment with the Home Minister, and he commented about the said minister, and we said goodbye and take care and all that.
And that was that.
Comments
However, lately, it's becoming a bit of a bore (no offense). I used to look for inspiration from your writings (and there have been many) but your recent ramblings about your 'ex' is becoming increasingly annoying. It's obvious that your 'ex' IS and HAS BEEN using you all this while. From what I gather, you have never been his boyfriend (regardless of how often you keep telling yourself that)- the word sugar daddy is more suitable for your role in this unilateral relationship. However, the emotional baggage you carry from this relationship will drain the life out of you if you choose to continue.
You should take a close look of your life and start make changes... and I mean REAL CHANGES. You decide what the hell that means. Persisting in you usual routines are obviously going to be detrimental to your other relationships- family and friends (when I say friends, I'm not talking about the people from your office, those are your colleagues).
You deserve better... much better. Just learn to let go and move on.
Seriously, get a clue and MOVE THE FUCKING ON ALREADY AND SAVE YOURSELF FROM ALL THIS BULLSHIT!
just want to wish u the best. pls dont look so glum all the time. u look a bit blank these past few days. take care of yr health n be cheerful again. pls dont get offended, this is just a little advice - try dating girls instead of guys for a change - u may surprise yrself by actually liking them. afterall, guys r mostly bastards.
since u told me to come back, so here i am. About the dating girls thing - i am serious. Do give it a try. Pls dont take me as trying to lecture u or anything. I m saying that because i m sincerely concerned about u. the past year that i know u, i find that u r a nice guy with a good heart. ppl did told me that u r gay but i think that is none of my business. but after discovering yr blog, i realise that there r a lot of unhappiness in yr heart. thats why i suggested for u to try something new. really, i m not against u being gay, but if it only brings u misery, then why not try something else. i dont think it will do u any harm to try. maybe u may think that i do not really know what being gay is all about but the truth is i do. u see, i went to an all-male boarding school many years ago. when i was in form 4, there was this boy who is two years my junior. he was just a skinny nerdy boy wearing spectacles who got bullied all the time. i sort of took pity on him and brought him under my wing. after a while, without me realising it, i felt this very attachment to him. there was nothing sexual between us but i do believed that i love him. i also believe that he feel the same about me. i miss him a lot when he went to US to further his studies. after i started dating my future wife i told her about "my first love". she was ok with it and we continue to be together till now. the fact that i was sort of a gay in the past never come between us. i still remember him sometimes but i consider what happened between us as just a phase in my life. i do believe that it is not wrong to change if it bring good to our life. pls do consider what i said without prejudice. cheers and take care.
The point of being gay is to be 'gay' (i.e. happy). An unhappy gay is not 'gay'. When you are not happy, you tend to make other people unhappy and drive some of them away. Being a gay is hard work because you have to be gay and 'gay' at the same time. Get it? I hope I'm making sense.
By the way, I meant no offense by my earlier comment. I used to enjoy reading your entries although there are some sadness here and there which I think is part and parcel of life.
However, lately, it has become overbearing and reading them no longer brings me pleasure but instead it became a chore.
By what I have read, you seemed to be a good guy and many people love you for what and who you are. Don't change yourself to make people love you and go out of your way to please the ones you love.
Just be yourself. You are truly a wonderful person.
i think its normal to have conflicting sexual orientation. but to me, its still just a matter of choice who we want to be. for instance, after telling u about the boy i used to love when i was in school. i did check on where and what he is now. the results at first shocked me but after more info started to filter in, i was relieved. he is ok and leading a normal life. he got many children now and a successful man. i never tried to trace him after he went to US as i feel that whats in the past should be in the past. somehow discovering u in yr blog made me concerned about him again. the last time i met him was when i went back to my school as he was sitting for his SPM. we chatted and share some laughter and exchanged photos. he was a very shy and quiet boy except when he was hanging around with me. at that time both of us probably knew we will never see each other again after that day. that world we shared was at that moment passing by and will never return. i got no guilt about how i feel about him. i truly love him then (and probably still do so now) but life needs to go on and i have to choose where i want to go and how i want it to be. i really hope u will make the right choice. u r still young my friend. there is so much more u have to offer to yrself and being mired in misery over the wrong choice is not the right way to do it, again, i hope i dont sound too preachy. if i do, pls accept my sincere apology. no matter what, i will still see u as a good person n respect yr choice. cheers and take care.