Friday, January 27, 2017

Kena jadi lagi bagus

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Am I a good person? Depends on who you talk to. Many people will tell me that I'm sweet and lovable. Some say I am a good person and I deserve good things. There are a couple of people who think I am just bogus, devoid of emotions and incompetent at work. But, yeah, I can't be perfect.

The fact it, I don't have much of "me" nowadays. I kinda lost my way. I haven't worked out in a long time. I don't have time for myself. I work late and go back home all tired out. And even when I'm off or on holiday, I make myself bogged down by work.

Not much of a life, eh. But one of those people who say I am full of shit will tell you his life is worse than mine.

Yes, I should be thankful for everything I have. You must say your prayers. Let those gratitude go out into the universe. But I cannot help feel selfish sometimes.

Well, this is the part where I psyche myself up. Strive to improve. That's all I have: a life which I can improve upon. Live it and learn and change and adapt. And enjoy your life. Enjoy your time with family and friends and colleagues. They do make your life richer. And if you have someone you love, and they love you back, then consider yourself very lucky.

Friday, March 04, 2016

At least two friends of my Facebook referenced Salt N Pepa this week. Ok, one of them referenced Deadpool after her anger in being a victim to snatch theft, but hey, that's reference enough! Salt N Pepa's Shoop was featured in the movie.

The other friend quoted Whatta Man when praising her husband's lovely efforts in helping her out with taking care of their baby.

So, which brings me to Salt N Pepa and their songs.
Back in the 1990s, they were the Sex and the City gals of female rappers. When Queen Latifah and Lauryn Hill spoke about feminism in serious tones, and Missy Eliot conconcted catchy beats for other rappers, Salt N Pepa spoke about feminism by rapping about women ogling at guys, which is normal but was never really featured in popular culture back then.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Whatever I am feeling, it can be overcome.
I am what I do. I am my actions.

Yes. I do feel lost in this strange city. Away from home. But, I can always find my way back.
I want you to know that.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

 Losing your way? You can find your way back. As long as you are alive, you can find your way back.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

When the brain is not working. Then it's time to ramble on Ramblinging. Much like athletes warm up before they train or play sports, then a writer must warm up with writing rubbish. Reading is the food that acts as the fuel to the brain, but free writing is the warm up.


Ok. What a wonderful world. It pains me to see that life is so damn beautiful, hectic, mad, maddening, insane, exciting, nerve-wrecking and scary all at once. But it is disheartening that I am practically left out of most of it, because of, me.
Oh, woe is me Ramblingining circa 2015. As was Ramblinging circa 2004, or circa 2007 or pre-Ramblinging eras (PR, cool acronym no? Makes me feel like wearing a suit and tie and working in the hotel line).

Oh, well. At 35, I can tell you that's just me being typically, me. What else is new? The only new thing in my life is that I am back at a job position that I assumed two years ago. The political scene and everything else is so different. So we gotta approach it in a different way, no?
It's amazing how much crap I can write, when in real life, I am just a bum who loves to drive around while listening to grunge songs from the 90s and smoke all night in my car.

Oh yeah, two colleagues left the workplace thread since yesterday, and it is sad , sad, sad. So sad. Emotions aside, it cannot be helped because hello, people go where they want to go. It has everything to do with salary, ambition, or just plain "I want a change" kinda thing.

I finally met up with a friend that day. Thank God. I rarely engage in social situations anymore, prefering the comfortable routine of working on my desk and going home to sleep every night. I have friends all around, but I'll be damn if I have the guts to actually CALL them. My God, that will be the end of the world if I do that.

See, no wonder my life is pathethic (please bear with me, it's my blog after all). I prefer to live in my own world, oblivious to whatever the hell is happening out there. And there are a whole lotta things happening out there. It's amazing and exciting and scary and depressing and colourful and sad all at once. That's life! as my Poetry in English lecturer always said.

Damn, dreams. Yes, everyone has them. And yes, they are at the  back of one's head all the time. But the excitement comes and goes. If we are brave enough (cringe, this is where Ramblinging says positive, self-assuring things in a politically correct way), we can achieve them. Cheesy, I know. But it's true. Persistence! Hard work! And keeping at it! Instead of just quiting learning the piano when the teacher asked your friend, "Eh, is he interested in learning, ah?" And having your friend defend you by saying "Well, the fact that he's here getting piano lessons from you means that he IS interested to learn it."
And mind you, it was just a conversation between piano teacher and a hot girl which was obviously the guy trying to "jual minyak". It was not about me. Cue the scene when Robin Williams' character tells Matt Damon's character that it was not the latter's fault that he got abused and shit in that foster home, in which Williams' character said : "It's not your fault."

So, my advice, Ramblinging is, just get over it. You're getting old, and yes, you may be more "te-rasa" nowadays- typical of older people. So get used to it, but hey, you're young enough still to move on, lick your wounds and focus on something else. Life is short. God knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, or within the next two hours. So if I do go, or get into some situation, I hope I leave behind a legacy of rubbish writings that will leave people entertained.

Damn, that Nicole Kidman can act, lah! Sorry, some movie is playing on Fox movies in the next room.

OK, this pic is not Kidman, but just a pathetic attempt to throw your attention off.


Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Hello, I am Ramblinging.

The amount of work I output is not equal to the effort that I put into the work. And that's weird.
and it's tiring.
so why seksa diri for only a certain amount of work that other people can see. This is 2015. In the working world, your bosses/client/stakeholder want to see results fast. They want to see that you're doing work.

ah, possibly I don't show off that I'm working hard. All this behind the scenes bullshit is great for saints or mother Theresa. But it ain't gonna work in the corporate world.

ok, besides work, my life is just non-existent. Which is bad, I know.
but at least I found a 24 hour gym nearby. I went there one night and I was yawning and yawning for being so fatigued. I went there around midnight and there weren't that many people. And some dude offered to help me out with one of the machines. Oh the machines! The equipment were a wee bit different from those I am used to.
So I guess I would be needing more help the next time I go to the gym.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Pesanan dari boss aku:


Bring back the fun in the work.
Bring back the element of fun in the work.


-Re-tell the story of your state.

- Exclusives, should have twice a week

- Your KPI will be to bring up the sales and ciculation figures in the state.


Sunday, December 14, 2014

When I was 22, I worked at McDonald's. It was the outlet in Chinatown, or more popularly known as the Petaling Street outlet in KL. It was a cramped 3 storey McD, which no longer exists now. One would have to go through the dizzying number of pirated DVD stalls at the mouth of Petaling Street just to get to the outlet's entrance.
The reason I'm recalling this stint is because I was reminiscing the last day I worked for that place. It came to mind as I was looking through photo albums of my contacts on WeChat. One of my WeChat friends uploaded yellowing old photos of him and his previous work buddies at their annual dinner, workplace and even makan session at KFC.
His caption for the photos caught my attention: Zaman paling best kerje kilang (the best times of when I worked in a factory). OK, that's why I thought about my own previous work experience, capisce?
Back to McD's. On my last day, I finished my six hour shift and clocked out. And then a colleague of mine--this really nice lady who travelled by bus from Bentong, Pahang to KL everday--treated me for a meal. It was my last day, after all and this sweet lady, who is a mother and wife and very very nice lady wanted to make my last day matter. Looking back at it now, I loved the gesture, and can appreciate it so much now. But back then, being the youngster I was, I really never thought much about such gestures.
You see, back in my teens and in my early 20s, I was very insensitive to my surroundings and was so self-absorbed to a point that I didn't really care what people around me think of me. I was so aloof that I was primarily thinking about myself all the time. I once disappeared when I was in outings with my friends. I mean really- I actually would do a disappearing act when I berjalan-jalan with my university mates when we went out to KLCC or the Mines or Bukit Bintang. Why? Because I just wanted to be alone, and I did not know how to tell them :"guys, I know I agreed to follow you out today. But I feel like shit and I just want to wander alone without you. See ya."

I digress again. Yes, back to the McD incident. This lady just wanted to say a proper good bye to me as it was my last day at McD's. And I remember how she managed to cram so much advice in such a short time while treating me for a meal.
"Adik jangan lemah bila berdepan dengan perempuan, ok."
"Adik kena kuatkan semangat, ya."
"Jaga diri, dan jangan kasi perempuan buli adik."
Woah. Now this is a women who knew me for probably just two or three months. But she earnestly- in all her wisdom as a worker and a mother perhaps- wanted to give me useful words as we parted. It's amazing how people can figure you out in short span of time, even if you are not so close to that person. I think it's called body language. It's called understanding people. Yes, spending time with someone-either working with them or travelling with them or living with them, can reveal a lot about that person.
Some people have a knack of figuring out someone just with a first impression. As they say, first impressions last. For me, well, I suppose I need spend more time and having more than just a first glance to figure out a person. I prefer to get to know a person by spending time together doing normal stuff- eating, watching movies, smoking, etc.
Honestly, I had many "not so good" first impressions of some of my very good friends. But my instincts for first impressions is way off as I guess, or I have a set of criteria that I still cannot explain of what constitutes a good friend to me. I suppose being able to yack about anything and everything and being very comfortable talking about anything makes a good friend- at least for me.
What I am trying to say is, I really really value my friends but sometimes I also value my alone time, maybe way too much.
As I get older, I find myself wanting to be less alone as compared to when I was a teen. Back then, I could spend days upon days being solitary. Now after spending several days alone I feel "one-kind."
Now that I have a boyfriend, I am generally not alone. But it sucks that he stays in a different city. I have friends over here who are lovely.




Thursday, June 26, 2014




 Work Bitch by Britney Spears-
 Kak Britney nak bagi nasihat kat semua set-set muda yang teringin berkecimpung dalam dunia glamour: rajin dan usaha tangga kejayaan. It ain't easy being in showbusiness, biatch.


Atlas by Coldplay. -
Another song recommended by a good friend of mine, who I admit has better taste in music.

Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus 

Since 2005, I  always labelled the most popular female vocalist of the year as the "it" girl of the year. They are women who had chart successes, had many singles or were generally hot property in that particular year.
In 2005, The "it" girl of the year was Gwen Stefani, while in 2007 it was Fergie. Katy Perry has also been in this list. Last year, it was Miley lah, who else. New hairdo, new sound, and determination to conquer the world. Pity the Grammys snubbed her, though.


Best Song Ever by One Direction- 
 OK, so One Direction mania was soooo one year ago. But this one got to me because of no.1) it samples The Who's "Baba O'Riley" (Teenage Wasteland) at the beginning no.2) the dance moves are easy to do. Seriously.


My friend introduced me to this act. He also introduced to Mayer Hawthorne's version of Royals.

Kalau Aku Kaya by Altimet and Awie Rafael- 
"I wanna be a billionaire , so freakin' bad...." Oh wait, this is the 2013 Malaysian version. Siap ada reference to subsidi gula. Kelassss. Special shoutouts to Siti Nurhaliza, Hyper Act, Yuna and Hyperact who had good songs last year. Yes, I am talking about local talent here.

 Demons & Radioactive by Imagine Dragons.- 
I am writing this in 2014, and I cannot get the song Radioactive outta my head, especially after this band's kick ass performance at the last Grammys and American Music Awards.
Demons, is just pure chill out pop rock....When the days are cold / And the cards all fold / And the saints we see / Are all made of gold /

 I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift.- 
 Dear Mr Harry Styles, did you not learn anything from Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal and all the other ex-Taylor Swift boyfriends?

 Royals by Lorde. -
Musical Debutante of the year. Loved the version she performed at the Grammys.

Roar by Kathryn Perry. Dear Rolling Stone magazine, of course Katy Perry is trying to empower music fans. In this day of shameless EDM-infused TOP 40 trash, and prococious 17-year-old ingenues who lament about pop culture excess, we need Katy Perry to swing from tree to tree and scream "I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar-or-or-or-or-or!"

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Wolf of Wall Street- A review

Nah. I wasn't impressed with the gratituous scenes of coke fueled sex orgies. Neither was I surprised about Leonardo DiCaprio's ferociousness on screen, while playing a New York stock broker who is equally ferocious in his appetite for making money.
I was most impressed by DiCaprio's and the rest of the cast's spot on portrayal of drug abuse.
 Watch Leo's character Jordan Belfort as he sits at the lavatory of a diner sharing a pipe of what looks like crystal meth(amphetamines).Belfort's eyes  go wide as he takes a puff and his head jolts up like an adolescent who's about to take on the world.
 "Let's go out and run off like we're lions, tigers and bears!" he tells Jonah Hill's character Donnie Azoff. Off they run, all money hungry to start their new stock brokerage joint venture after Black Monday of '87.
 Belfort with his impeccable suits is blessed with a gift to convince people in any stock broker pitch. Coming from a middle class family with a loving but fouled mouth father and quiet mother, Belfort moves to work at Wall street at age 22 with a supportive young wife in tow. But he starts his career at around Black Monday and the company of stock broker  wolves he works for soon goes under.
  Upon finding about a stock brokerage firm in upstate Long Island area, he finds his niche while selling penny stocks, which are basically stocks that go for peanuts. He impresses the small-time firm of suburbanites with his knack for selling anything to anyone he gets on the phone.
 A consummate convincer. It is in Long Island that
 Hills' Azoff character meets Belfort. Azoff works for a family business and becomes intrigued at Belfort's lavish lifestyle and huge paychecks that pale in comparison with his meagre existence in the suburbs.

Director extraordinaire Martin Scorcese invites us into their world of money-obsessed men and women. We see that the saying work hard and play hard aptly describes the stock broker world of 80s America, a decade known for its excessiveness.

Cue the wild after work-hour parties, coke snorting on a stripper's ass and one scene where a drug fueled Azoff openly jerks off at the sight of Belfort's new flame at a pool party.
Oh yes, the work is wild and crazy too as with any profession that requires any form of selling. Heck, I would know. I worked as a salesman for a week when I was 22 too. Belfort relishes in his speeches he gives to his pack of wolves at the start of a working day. He gets his workers pumped up and fired up for the day with his words.


 I get it, Mr Scorcese. Excessiveness drugs, sex and money are addictive. Especially when you have goons who are greedy as hell with making big bucks.

later on, we see the distinct differences between Belfort and Azoff. While the former loves his job for the satisfaction he gets from getting people pumped up for work, the latter is squarely focused on making money without a care if he steps all over anyone else. And Azoff pays the ultimate price at the end when he shirks his loyalty as a friend to Belfort by giving an incriminating piece of evidence to the FBI that implicates Belfort in money laundering activities in their joint venture company.
Belfort, fights back and agrees to cooperate with the FBI to bring down his entire company, in exchange for only three years in jail.

Lesson learnt: there is no such thing as making friends on wall street, as Belfort finds out in the end. And you are your own man when it comes to keeping your shit together.


Martin Scorsese (left) directing one of the intense scenes of drug usage eatured in the Wolf of Wall Street with his leading man Leonardo DiCaprio

Monday, February 24, 2014

Happy 10th Year Anniversary, Ramblinging


It has not been easy. In fact, there was a time I was considering shutting down this blog. I paid a price for full disclosure. I did. I had to pay for it dearly, as my friendship suffered. And I had also risked my job and identity. I've learned to be more discreet and to guard my privacy and my integrity. It's been a long journey.  I used to be more transparent about my online persona, but now I am not the same person.

But then the years passed. The days went by. I learned I cannot reveal too much about myself because essentially, I am not that type of person. I know many people out there are forthcoming about their feelings and they have no problems expressing their thoughts in real life. But I have difficulty expressing things verbally, in conversations (unless if it's on stage, because I've acted in theatre before. Oh, the irony). I think I express myself better in writing, but with this is a blog, and things are written in black and white. And such things can be used against me.

Heck, even blogging ain't what it used to be. Nowadays, people tweet words. Short and sweet. For short and sweet attention spans (I am guilty of that too). But it is nice to see this blog through the years.
Though I have been lagging behind in my blogging (I have yet to publish my year-end music best-of list for last year!), I will make it a point to stare and ogle at this blog for its superficial value. Not!

In the past 10 years, I've started and never finished a novella/short story about some dude who is seemingly bisexual and apparently works in the communications line.
But in my mind, Jake looks more like the singer Gavin Degraw circa 2004. I dunno man, watching DeGraw in "I Don't Wanna Be" inspired me to write that Jake character, even though the name of Jake is inspired by that damn TV show from the past, Jake and the Fatman. Yes, that TV character was also a looker.

My most favourite part of my blog is the year-end music countdown. I love writing it. Unfortunately, nowadays I prefer to write about each "best-of-the-year" song individually, on social media. Of course, the year end list gets indulgent most times, but well, it's my blog, bro.

But of course the best parts of the blog are the ones that received (any form of) reaction from readers. What is a piece of literature if it is not read?  I know a few people read about my Hari Yang Gila. Yes, I had to revise that entry to take out a lot of references to people in real life. Also, there were many entries which featured my hedonistic tendencies. Thank you, anonymous for advice on how I should get my act together. The biggest regret in this blog was of course, related to one of my best friends. No apology could make things right. I just hope we can move on with our lives, and be the best persons that we deserve to be. I must say again that it is a big risk for me to continue this blog, but I decided to do so for a certain reason, so I hope all of you will accept that.

For better, or for worse. In sickness and in health, or amidst insanity or crystal clear clarity, I wish Ramblinging a very happy 10th year.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

So many emotions have been going through me lately. So much confusion. One particular sinful incident was wrecking my heart and mind for days. And this incident could just end my relationship forever. The only saving grace, if it could be regarded that way is that it was with a prostitute. It was a one off thing. And this happened a couple of weeks ago. I still met my beloved and we did everything and did everything just like everything is normal.

I may be heading to the end of my relationship, or maybe not.

I am still torn on whether I want to continue with this job or move on to someone else, and it is so sad and pathetic if my relationship has to suffer because of my decision. What do I make out of all this? I am a fucking idiot, I know. But if I have to live something as close to a seemingly worthwhile life, I.....

Ahh fuck all this

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Aku menyedari telah jatuh cinta Tapi aku tak bisa mengungkapkan Terasa bahagia ku mencintaimu Walaupun kau belum mencintaiku Aku di sini kan selalu menunggu Yang selalu ada di setiap waktumu Selalu menanti jawapanmu Untuk cinta yang terakhir Semakin ku bisa untuk menyayangi Semakin ku bisa untuk mengerti Dari semua hidupmu yang ku mimpikan Kan ku hapus semua menjadi indah Tak akan pernah hilang rasaku Cinta yang membawa dalam hatiku Bagai mata yang tak terpejam Aku tetap menantimu Aku di sini kan selalu menunggu Yang selalu ada di setiap waktumu Selalu menanti jawapanmu Untuk cintamu Tak akan pernah hilang rasaku Cinta yang membawa dalam hatiku Bagai mata yang tak terpejam Aku tetap menantimu Aku kan tetap menantimu

Sunday, October 20, 2013

It was such a frustrating, tiring few days. But today, thank God, it was wonderfully okay. I ate well, worked , and came home early (11.30pm is considered early in my schedule) and I had a meal at home.

I'm not mad at anyone about all this workload. I am just pissed that  I feel  as if " it's all on me". It's not. In fact, the other people in your office are swamped with work as well.
I cannot help to recall another colleague who had back-to-back outstation assignments in KL, then Kelantan and some other place in a span of a month.

One of my bosses hasn't gone back to the east coast to see his family in a month.

At least I met him the other day. It was an extra short trip, but I knew I had to see him during that small window of opportunity. I'm glad I did because after this, I'll be outstation for this assignment for the next 2 weeks.

Yes, I did think about giving up altogether. Just leave. It sounds easy in my head. But in reality, I dunno.


Saturday, July 27, 2013


Born in August, almost 55 years ago, Madonna Louse Veronica Ciconne was born in a large family of an engineer dad, and homemaker mum.

After high school and starting out in college, she moved to NYC to set out a life for herself. She soon worked her way to dance school and bands. In 1983, she released her first album. The pop world welcomed a newcomer.


Her songs have been varied, and evolving through the years. The changes equivalent to her ever changing image to keep up with the current waves of pop music.
But alas, after more than 3 decades of making music, she is still searching for her next hit.

OK, with that said, let's try to pick a handful of songs to encapsulate her career so far. Why? Because it was three decades ago that her debut self-titled "Madonna" album was released. So here is an excerpt of a highly publicised, lucrative and controversial career:


LUCKY STAR:

It was alll about the club scene in New York City in the late 70s and early 80s. And Madonna was the scene's biggest wannabe. She befriended visual artists and even grafitti artists, and had her own nickname to graffiti (you guessed it, her nickname was boytoy). But this song was a an appealing crossover with high pitch squeeky voice.

OPEN YOUR HEART

In 1987, Madonna was one of the biggest stars on earth, and her album True Blue not only marked her hugeness, it also marked her recent romance and eventual marriage to Sean Penn. The album was kind of like Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" album of 1987,: full of hits inspired by love, and packaged in Grade A pop.

KEEP IT TOGETHER

The album where this track is taken from, Like A Prayer was not only one of her most personal, it also marked her deteriorating marriage from Sean Penn (listen to 'Till Death Do Us Part). Her soul searching amidst domestic conflict may have made her dig deep into her past, and confronted her death of her mother at a young age. The results were a revelation: There were most memorable sing-along like the album's  title track and Express Yourself, and great ballads like Oh Father and Spanish Eyes. Keep It Together was the second last track on the disc, and it portrayed her inner struggles of seeking attention in a big family, and how she realises that "Love is thicker than any other circumstance."


SOONER OR LATER

Miss M was dating actor Warren Beatty when she starred in the latter's movie, Dick Tracy. So of course her role in it had to be as plump as her bussoms. The best part of the experience, was that she recorded a whole album inspired by her Dick Tracy role, which gave birth to the song "Vogue". So thank you Warren Beatty for that, I guess. At least she didn''t write something in the veins of "You're So Vain."...Oh yeah, by the way, Sooner or Later was written by Stephen Sondheim and won the Oscar for best original song of 1990.


BEAUTIFUL STRANGER

OK, if True Blue was a song about blissfully being in love with Sean Penn, then Beautiful Stranger was most likely about her first encounter with Guy Ritchie, who she eventually married in 2000. Seriously, do you think she is singing about Austin Powers, (or even Rupert Everett) in this song?


I DESERVE IT

OK, obviously this has become a "Rarities list" for Madonna songs. Oh well, This song is on her Music album of 2000. It is about well, a man, but  also about the many men, and experiences she had to endure to finally meet with her jodoh.  She did describe Guy Ritchie as her soulmate, during one interview.





Saturday, July 13, 2013

Home

If I close my eyes, I can see it. My hometown. The road leading out to the coast by the straits. The highway that curves and leads up for miles and miles. Into shops and houses and restaurants and a new township on the eastern suburb.
The warungs and eateries of my childhood. The faces of my parents. Their familiar faces and voices. The cats around the house, and how my father feeds them every morning, noon and night. My mother with her pained knees walking around the kitchen, always toiling at something. Always nagging about how I wake up too late.

The familiar faces are also at my former workplace. Those I had breakfast with, those I had Nescafe tarik with, those I went out for assignments with. How we laughed, and stressed out by pressure for work. 

Those I knew outside of work, One in particular. How we used to go for movies, karaoke, dinners, supper, and sleepovers. How we'd go to the sauna and massage parlour for rest and relaxation. How we used to travel far and wide. How I learned to love travelling again because of him.

Those familiar streets, those routes, those buildings and places. It is home. Even after 6 months of being displaced from it, it is still very much home.

I only have to close my eyes to go back to the places and faces that I love. I carry home in my heart. Do  I want to return home?

Friday, July 05, 2013

.......

"when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose,"

"when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose," Jack Dawson in James Cameron's Titanic

So I am going back home tomorrow, wait, actually today, since it's nearly 2am Saturday. In around 12 hours I'll be making my way home. Mum asked me to do something for her so I need to pass her a letter from my uncle here, and then return the letter to my uncle when I get back for work on Monday.

It's nice because I like to go home and because it's his birthday, yesterday. So I'll get a chance to celebrate with him. He's thinking of taking medical leave, for me. Keyword is thinking, of course. But he's done it before.

In terms of things I need to get off my chest is this asshole who contacted me last night was just being such as asshole. He was a horny and desperate bastard, who threatened to unfriend me just because I did not want to meet up with him.
I told myself that if I ignored his text, he would be gone from my life. And just I figured, he texted me about how indicissive I am, and how he doesn't want to know me anymore.

Yes, I know what it feels like to be desperate and horny. I've been there. And yes, I have entertained the urges before with others. But this guy and what he said, it really got me riled up. I didn't think it would affect me that much, but I guess it did. He just ruined my mood for the day. A price I'm glad to pay for turning him down.

It's not easy I guess. Life is. The choices you make will sometime bug you all night. Sometimes I make the best choices, and sometimes I won't. There's no right or wrong answer for it. But when I look back at the events that have unfolded since last night, it is quite a nice, neat turn of events. It's quite a nice life the Man Upstairs has set out for me.
Of course, I digress. I know that life could take twists and turns, without any prior warning. Things happen, and so we deal with it. We throw a tantrum and call up several friends to complain and cry, and then post stuff on Facebook to see if any more friends would listen.

This week has been extremely quiet for me as I have been on the night shift. It's a weird environment, and time frame to work in. I sleep all day and stay up all night. It's a nice break (though there was work to be done during the midweek) but it's a lonely, quiet pace of work.

Hopefully next week would be better. I haven't written in my blog for so long so it's nice to just do this now.

Have a great weekend everyone, regardless if you're working or not.

Sunday, May 19, 2013


Friday, May 17, 2013


So my big boss gave me an earful that night, said my work was not up to mark.
   But I had support with one of my immediate superiors that my work was not up to mark according to my big boss because it is subjective. 
  My work does involve some degree of creativity and we know that when evaluating this creative aspect of the work, it is subjective. It's depends on who is looking at the said piece of work. Unfortunately for me, it was not up to mark, said my Big Boss. 
  Argh, it really fucked me up that night, but because it was so late and we were all chasing the Deadline, I was like "Oh Gosh, just do whatever I need to do and get it done."
  My immediate superior was being understanding  and told me, "Don't worry about it. It's subjective if he thinks the work is not good." I reckon my immediate superior has experienced getting fucked by the Big Boss before, so I guess he was just speaking from experience. 
  I think it's absolutely normal for a boss to get pissed off about his subordinate's work. It's purely professional and it's all about work. It happens. On a daily basis, dozens of time to workers everywhere in the world. That's the whole point of a job, to do something hard in order to get paid. As my mom said once, "kerja mana yang tak susah". 
  The point is to not get to you so much, because if it does, then you should rethink your priorities. 
  The thing about the whole episode was, I was at a point which I did not care about anything. In my mind, I am planning to consider other options. I want to do something that will get my blood pumping again. I know I have been here for a long time, but I chose to stay because I have been too lazy to look for something else. When in fact, it is possible to do something else. 
   You just gotta look for it. Consciously and actively pursue it. In my case, it's about making that little bit of effort first. Just do something.
  Just as when I first got involved in theatre during one of my outstation stints, all I did was show up at one of the practice sessions. 
  I befriended some guy and he told me about this play he was involved in and how he was going for practice one night and he just asked me to come. i could have chosen to sit in my rented apartment that night and lay like broccoli in front of the TV that was placed on the floor (I had no TV cabinet back then). 
  But I showed up. I was bored with life and myself and I simply went out of my way to try something. 
  Anyway, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Oh, it wasn't easy, mind you. As with every first phase of getting to know people, I felt like an outsider. I barely new them and they barely knew me. I remember splitting from the scene when we were setting up for the first show I was involved in. I went to tapau some KFC and went home to eat in front of the TV. Yeah, I did not have any big role at the time-- I think I was only a stage hand--- so yeah, I just bolted but I did return close to the show to help out.
  It was an NGO specialising in theatre. But we got paid, y'know. I was paid, umm, RM50  or something. Not bad eh? Because every show gets paid I think. But after that first show, I began acting small parts and moved on to bigger parts. I was stage manager, and I loved every minute of it. I acted as a transvestite and once, our troupe entered a competition. So cool.
The fact that I'm talking so much about it here should be telling me something.
But yes, I need to do something that pumps up the blood.

Friday, March 15, 2013

It has not been a good couple of months. I was forced to move back to a place I am all too familiar with. The last time I was here I was a very young man. It's not a nice place to be back in when my heart is someplace else.
It gets lonely sometimes. Yes, I have friends here and there, in the office. But I really miss my beloved and my family.
It's so easy to get back to my old bad habits of when I was a youth in the big city. It was the charmed years. All I did back then was eat, sleep,work and have fun. Drinking, clubbing, late night rendevous at God forsaken places. I was 23 for God's sake.

Now, many many years later, I am back here and I am a different person. I have someone. My heart is full, unlike back then when my heart was hallow. I was an immature, greenhorn. I was a young lad, who tasted his first pay and spent it on .....fun!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Testing

Testing sayangku Tttttt
Tttttyyyyyy





Tuesday, January 08, 2013

fighting cock mode.

Fighter mode.

What we do in life echoes in eternity

It's one of those things
It's one of those things
It's one of those things
it happens in life
It's one of those things
It's probably for the best
It's probably a test
We're in it to win it
We're in it to get it done
It's one of those things
Nevermind the matter of fact, what the heck
Well well well,
Check out the meek
Who greet their days with worry
It's not about you ,
It's the way we need to go about it
I never need this
I have always wanted this
I wanted all of this
I throw away all of this
What is the matter?
When all you need is to flatter
The bullshit and lies
The truth that dies
When all that is left is just the voice in your head
You are over there
Smiling and frowning all at once
Wondering what I am thinking
When all I think is myself
I never knew it was like this
I knew I was going on the receiving end
Of a flawed deal of devils and fools
Do I need to make myself heard?
About the muck inside my head
I am all but dead
It's been like that for a while
So what difference does it make when I cry?
You cannot help
My friends cannot help me
When the help I need is within me
Something I cannot conjure up
It's in there, I know it.
But I fell I may have blown it
What's there left of me?
It's all my fault anyway
It's like the sun setting another day
It becomes cold late late at night
And I know you think of me
But maybe what I need is to be me
Tired and tired and tired
There may be no rest for me yet
When it all ends I will look back at all this
and reminisce about what I missed
I think it is wise to say
It was never meant to last that long anyway
I may be different now from way back then
When I was a young man who was stick thin
Who wanted to do this, who wanted to do that
But all I got what a whacked up man who is getting old
Maybe I will come out a different person
With tiredness to boot, and sweat glistening
but it's not who I thought I would be
I am not the man I used to be
If change is inevitable than this is healthy
For me to feel like the rug is being pulled from beneath me
What of it, you say?
Who the hell cares?
Apparently I do because it's all concerning me
I will make it clear and I will be strong
For there is no time to waste
as the days wear on
Good days greets good nights
As it is a happy period of my life
But life is never nice when you go through it
It's better as a fiction that you rethink and relive
So life must be enjoyed
And you must learn how to relax
and listen to the advice of your elderly who are caring for you
When you go out to that barren desert, you will know
It's something that is certain, it's what you will never know
For nothing can be planned up to a T
It's all just jumbled up words, pictures and memory
Then it's time to move, time to take action
Time to take your fist and  make sure you mean it
Cause it's a wonderful life, it's too short to waste mopping
Well what the hell, good bye , forsaken and forgotten
You ain't gonna live if you live in the past
What the heck and am I rambling? Get it, go out and have fun
Enjoy what life has to offer it won't be lasting long
You got yourself to be assure of. You need not worry
Because we're all going to be blessed in under His amazing glory

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I get pissed when I call but my mate doesn't pick up. And then this mate of mine has the audacity to reply a text message saying "I'll pick up tomorrow."
Fuck lah. Ok, so said  mate is going through personal problems, but said mate should try to be at least a little bit decent to me.
Fine.
Doesn't this said mate know that I am feeling as guilty as hell thinking about the personal problem?
I may not be involved in the problem, but I still feel guilty.



Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I have to take responsibility for my actions. But I cannot control some things in life. Whatever I can control, I should and I must do so.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Barely got any sleep. Woke up late. Not good. I can't get the line about how corruption could lead to a political party's doom out of my head. Any form of wrong doing is big no-no when it comes to professional life. So whatever indiscipline that's been going on here must stop.

Now to talk about things happening around me.

Last night was a movie night. It was really nice as I spent it with two of my oldest friends in the world. The movie was so-so only, but the company was great. Though we had no chance to really catch up in earnest, but the meal at McDonald's post-movie was a welcome break from my routine of work and hanging out with my significant other.

We got to talking about the recent royal celebrations. Yup, that town was packed to the brim. I wanted to go with my colleagues but there was no one who could man the fort. So i stayed behind.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Best Songs of the Year- Part 2


Wide Awake- Katy Perry

This starlet's story was tabloid fodder for the last one and-a-half years. Katy Perry's rising stardom and fairy tale wedding made headlines just as much as her sudden divorce. But all that experience was encapsulated in song in a way on Perry could do. So, the whipped creaming excreting Katy Perry is a good songwriter.
Ok that's the long version. For the twitter version:

Katy Perry's fairy tale marriage and its subsequent demise encapsulated in song. It's honest and witty in a way only Katy Perry knows how to do


Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepsen

A breakout singer of the year with a pop melody guaranteed for want of repeated listens. Resistence is futile lah.



Sesal Mendua- KLangit 

It's about a partner who cheats on you and then he or she regrets doing so.Sial, kan?


Baru- Estranged

Rich and gang keep up the rock tempo for a memorable track about loving the one you have. "She makes me feel new (baru)," he sings.




Sunday, November 18, 2012

                                                        Adele: Hit-making new Mama


We Are Young - fun. featuring Janelle Monae

Toniiiiight weeare youngggg. And just like that you got yourself anthem for the young and the perasan who are young. (ehem)




We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together- Taylor Swift

Like, oh my God, ya'all. So like Taylor Swift was totally recording her album when a mutual friend stopped by the studio and blabbered on about meeting up with Swift's ex-boyfriend. Swift's anger at recalling about her ex- fueled her to write this song in less than 20 minutes. And that's how pop songs are made, folks. Get pissed and pen it down in minutes.



Too Close- Alex Clare

Never heard of him, but this song sounds like DJ Uno and George Michael's love child singing. Kudos


Jatuh - Bunkface

The pop-punk rockers get in touch with their feelings and wallow about an inevitable break up. Can I have a tissue, please.

Settle Down - No Doubt

Nothing that spectacular about this track except for the fact the older the band get, the funkier they sound. And they're not embarrased to get their ska-raggae party on like its 2002.


Skyfall- Adele

The Voice returns with big news (she's pregnant) and a bigger ballad (for a James Bond movie, no less).


Somebody I Used To Know 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It's official. Nothing interest me anymore. I'm trying very very very hard to write my column, and i cannot seem to come up with anything.
The flood situation? It's been done, I did it in the local section last week. It really doesn't inspire me anymore. Yes, flood victims are having it tough cleaning up and assessing the damaged property, but I have done it lah. And to regurgitate it for the national section is just, come on lah.

I thought if the economic forum next month and how the organiser's chairman is one witty, intelligent old geezer with a lotta stories. He's a local boy, born close by to my house. Maybe that should be the story.

I want to write something that turns me on. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What's Going On Today:

He ain't picking up the phone, nor answering my text messages.
Work is work, never ending. My company will continue to run, even if I don't, so, why be so worried about it, eh?
A good friend posted lyrics of the Bette  Midler song " From a Distance" (1991, about the time of the Operation Dessert Storm in Iraq-Kuwait). Nice song  " From a distance/ you look like my friend, eventhough we are at war..."
Speaking of which, I recently went for an assignment to the oil-rich country that was attacked prior to Operation Dessert Storm. 
I am kinda looking forward to seeing my sister and her family when they come home for Raya Haji, in two days' time.
 Had a simple lunch of fish and vegetables minus rice. Trying out the no-rice diet, lah. Need to whip myself to shape because I'm getting old and my metabolic rate ain't what it used to be.
My mum's cooking chicken rendang, and I saw it this morning and it looked good. Love her.

See ya guys





Sunday, October 07, 2012

                                         A repairman working on a motorbike

Emotional. That is what I feel most times. Even in my job I get emotional when things don't go as planned. But that is bad. Very bad. Work is work. You can put passion and enthusiasm into put. Even sprinklings of emotion pun takpe because it could add some depth into your work. But to be guided by emotions will mean bad things. It takes the objectivity out of the job. A job is a job. You get paid for it. It is a responsibility that must be done. It is amanah.

But of course lah, we shouldn't die for our jobs. ( i mean jangan seksa diri lah) I was noticing a mechanic at the motor repair shop tadi. He was fixing a motorcycle tire. He was youngish, wearing torn jeans, very the trend rockers. But he was doing his work quite swiftly. His eyes were focused on the work. Yet I wondered if he did not work there, what would he be doing?

Work is work lah. But work is something you do, you settle and then get on with your life lah, kan?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Updated Update

Really ah, I cannot tahan this drama all the time. I am a big fan of dramatic movies and dramatic scenes but really too much of it can kill the suspense out of it.
If I say something, then it will be misunderstood. I even started hurting myself in front of him, which is really really too dramatic. No worries, it wasn't anything serious, but still so tak perlu.

The only downside to spending so much time to layan his drama is that I lose my time with my mum and dad. Tonight, all that changed a bit as I had my dinner with mum and we chatted for a while. I liked it and I realised I haven't been hanging out with my mum for while now. I was on leave for several days, but I spent it more with him as it was the height of his drama period.

And then the drama continued. And he just cautioned me about having a care for his heart. Yikes. Yes, I am a caretaker of a heart. Yup. I have to care for my own heart, but I also care for my mum and dad's heart and his heart, I suppose. Hmmm.

Life has been a blur lately. Work was plenty today....I did a lot of stuff and that occupied my brain for a greater part of the day. Once I was done, I was dead tired- mentally. So I went home and had dinner with mum. It was the most loveliest dinners I ever had. I love you, Mummy.

But now I am in the office, finishing off tomorrow's schedule and later I will be joining him to travel northward. I have a course early tomorrow, and it's going to be a night of travelling. Wish me luck. Adios Amigos.


Sunday, August 12, 2012

OH GOSH, Rambling again

hello my friend.
It was a tough week for you, I know. I was on the verge of breaking down and wallowing in my self pity. But I suppose it is a healthy thing if someone much higher-ranking than you, criticises you about work. I admit there was a lack of communication on my part.
I did not get my message across that well to my colleagues. Seesh.
It happens, what to do?
I am in this long journey. I am almost at the halfway point of my probation period. I don't know what is going to happen next, honestly.
Other people have been talking about me. Some support me, while others are against me.
My former boss advised me to watch my own back now. He said do not reveal any details of my promotion to anyone.
He knew that I am an honest bugger who likes to tell the truth, when questioned. But when it comes to important things like that, it should be, as my beloved told me,  P&C (private and confidential).
  I reckon I need start learning about being selfish, when it comes to my income, my job performance, my image in the eyes of my bosses.
And even the image of myself in front of my colleagues.
I have to learn from my mistakes.
 I cannot be stuck in my old ways. I'm too young and good looking to be a pathetic old geezer.

On another note......
Oh gosh. I really have no time to have much fun nowadays. Yes, I have my beloved, and we go out all the time. But even the fun has its limits. Sometimes I don't know how to act in front of my colleagues. But, what to do? I am the jackpot winner.because I managed to be chosen to assume this role.
   But I don't know why  I get pissed off easily whenever my colleagues make it hard for me at work.
  Even a slight gesture, like pointing a sword at a newspaper instead of pointing their finger, could make me feel slightly, errr, pissed.
 
I probably need a vacation at this lovely white sandy beach. Mmmm...
What's wrong with me? I probably need to get laid. Or need a vacation. Or take up soccer! (something I always wanted to do during my grown up years- funnily enough, I never was into soccer/football during my school days)


Wednesday, July 25, 2012


The worst feeling is of loneliness, and being alone in your thoughts. It's a scary place that can only be destroyed if you are around people, or a person.
I have been alone a lot recently because the person I love is outstation for work. I don't know how I am going to survive, but I have the option of either going about it in a shit manner, or handling it in a positive manner- by mixing around with people in an interest group such as Toastmasters club, or gym, or some kind of activity.
of course my brain thinks more of the former- the shitty things that could happen when I am lonely. Wandering around, hooking up with strangers and basically throwing it all away. Hmmm...The choice is yours

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I seldom write about politics. But my new role requires me to write about it so I must.
The chief minister in the state I live in has held the position for four terms..that's about 17 years to date.
Many people want him to let go of the post, while some want him to stay on because frankly, there isn't anyone else suitable enough to hold the state's top post.
One of our contacts said the chief minister had - and this may be an old story- asked the prime minister that he wanted to retire and focus on his family. It seems this impromptu discussion happened when the prime minister and CM were in a car ride, in the state during the PM's visit sometime this or last year.
  The PM did not respond to the CM's request, but instead said something that indicated the CM has to stay put for some time.
Now, this CM is one of the most lesser publicised politicans around. He seldoms gives press statements, unlike other CMs who give weekly press conferences for the exco meeting.
He also prefers to keep quite over certain things.
Now one thing, this CM has done to keep quite is a recent case involving a controversy involving a royal.
The CM, being the wise man he is (and yes, I believe that- hello 17 years at the helm of one of the richest states in the country?), had decided to simply stay away from commenting on the royal's controversy.
Now, many people wanted to know why the CM was always so quiet over the controvery.
And a chance encounter with this insider revealed the reason why. The thing



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Late Night Drive By

I cry at night. I drive around town all alone. I know I could call up some friends and be with them, but I don't. I miss him so much. He will be gone overseas for 6 months for work. I know he's returning at the end of the month for a break, but I still miss him. He still asks me to stay put at home, whenever I call and tell him I'm out and about- driving around aimlessly. (Come on, you can't control me all the time, lah. Ditto for me in controlling him- have to trust each other, meh)
This aimlessness is just like what it was for me before I met him.
It's dumbfounding. I chose to accept this position because of my family, and because of him. If I hadn't accepted the promotion, there was a possibility for me to be transferred elsewhere. Gosh, how paranoid am I? It was he who told me :"I have a choice, I could say no."
My boss had told me the same thing: "I could always say no."
I have only  said "no" once during my stint in this company. I think about that particular refusal of mine quite a bit. Honestly, I wonder whether my rejection of the request was influenced by other people. Or rather, I had said no because I wanted to be with someone in a certain location. Well, I think I got my come-up-ance now. I get to stay put where I am, but my beloved has to leave temporarily to work. How fucked up is fate, huh? It's like that time when I rejected an offer to further my studies in the north, only to be transferred there for work six years after that.
What goes around, comes around? Or perhaps it's the fact that you get what you give. For the record, despite my hesitation (and reluctance) to be transferred out of my company's headquarters many years ago, I accepted it, went through it, and became a better worker because of it. 
Now, what does all this prove, folks? That the fates are as twisted as an evil villain in a sci-fi flick? Maybe it shows, that we should lead a life on our own terms. Yes, being in love and head over heals is unavoidable- people need other people to live a happy life- but seriously, making decisions due to pressure from others is always shitty. At least if we decide something for ourselves, we can deal with the repurcussion ourselves. That it's our own decision, anyway. Hmmm, so I suppose I have to deal with the decisions I have made. Stick with your guns, as some people say.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

THE REturn!!!!!

My biggest fear is that my job will overwhelm my life. It may cause me to sacrifice my personal time, and the time I spend with my loved ones, and friends.

I suppose that is my biggest fear, after assuming this new role.

I can't help recall my biggest fear when I moved back to my hometown, almost four years ago. I had feared that this so-called crime-laden city would consume me whole. I feared that the city would influence me with drugs, booze and getting involved (in whatever way) with the city's gangsters.

Seesh. What wacky thoughts I had back then. Not only have I remained myself. My mind and my heart still remain intact-  despite going through heartbreak, uncertainty, 

I suppose my recent apprehension about my new post is also a bit "worrying too much" or "jumping the gun". That would explain me working like a fucking dog, even before my promotion took affect.

But as my predecessor said, "pace yourself. This is a long-distance run." Another colleague of mine also pointed out my stressed out face during an assignment we covered together.

She said,"your face looked stressed. Why, huh? Don't overwork or else you get burned out."
Yet another colleague of mine offered to help me to settle a work-related problem we had, after she could see I was stressed while talking on the phone (I was on the line with another boss, and yes, I was stressed out).

The fact is these people around me- my colleagues- are willing to help me out. What they did really touched me. I guess I am not alone in this long-distance run.



  

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

RESTART

Welcome, Ramblinging. This is your life. How has it been? A lot of things happened. I am still the way I am except for the fact that I am too deeply in love with someone. It's got to a point where I do not know who I am anymore. That's the thing about giving your heart to someone, if you are not careful, you give away too much of yourself. Of course, I need to find a balance to make myself sane.
But I can't. I am in too deep.
It's not serious, this craziness of mine.  It's like I give a lot, but I do not take enough. It is all about give and take, isn't it?

And it's also about trust. Trusting yourself and trusting your partner.

There has been a lot of serious things happening in my life, in terms of my relationship. These things could have possibly sent me into a mad mad mad crazy loony phase. But, thank God, I got through them. I have to thank my significant other, who is always sensible, practical and full of patience.

In that sense, I am lucky to be involved with a sane person. (Not to say that I've been involved in looneys before).

No use in writing about it, lah. That's what I think. But then again, I am decently OK at this writing stuff, so why not express myself.
Besides, I have been ignoring Ramblinging.blogspot.com  for a while now. So it's time to write again.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

A fucked up thing happened recently. And I have been handling it by myself. I don't know if I handled it wisely or not. But I handled it. I am still feeling the repercussions of it, though. Argh...

There is a fine line between being nice and being nice to myself.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

best of 2011: Songs of the Year


ROLLING IN THE DEEP- Adele

I first heard this song when that frizzy-haired girl sung it on American Idol. I thought, "what a retro, throwback-sounding thing." Then I heard it with Adele's voice. Then I saw the video. Then I bough Adele's CD, and began liking her other songs. But as far away as I divert away from it, the song is lightning in a bottle- the story goes that Adele went into the studio in tears as she was still not over her break-up. This was her "fuck you" kiss off to her former man. But if you wanna wallow in self pity after break up, please refer to that other hit. You know, Someone Like You.

Other hot songs this year.....
PARTY ROCK ANTHEM- LMFAO featuring Goon Rock and Lauren Bennet

I dig any track that brings people together in a club. But dammit, shuffling ain't easy, you know. Unless you're a skinny 14 year old Mat/Minah Rempit who snuck into the club for free.


PUMPED UP KICKS- FOSTER THE PEOPLE

Not since Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Going Down" six years ago has there been a firearm-themed hit so high up in the charts.
And not since Third Eye Blind's 1997 hit Semi Charmed Life has there been a catchy tune about an illicit activity. While Third Eye Blind crooned about, "Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break", Foster the People sang, "you better run, better run, outrun my gun....." freaky shit.


GOOD LIFE - ONE REPUBLIC

Ryan Tedder has such a 'lunak merdu' voice that he could make any song sound good. On Good Life, he's the consummate (pop)rock star who wakes up suddenly in London with strange pictures on his cell phone. With lyrics like that, Tedder is the king of the PG13 equivalent to the drugs, sex and rock'n roll lifestyle.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU - ADELE

The best video to accompany this song was not the black and white clip shot in Paris by Jake Nava. Nope. I loved the US TV show Saturday Night Live version. Imagine actress Kristin Wiig making ugly faces while mourning her temperamental parakeets. I get. I feel it. And I want in.



ON THE FLOOR- Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull

Aiyo, the former Mrs Marc Anthony could definitely fill up the dance floors with techno-happy music with a latino flavour.
It has been eight years since Lopez has had a number one hit on Billboard. So it was nice to see her back on top, albeit sampling the 1989 Kaoma track "Chorando Se Foi (Lambada)".
But heck, dance music is not about credibility. It's about ability to shake that bootie.


BORN THIS WAY- Lady Gaga

As with other dance anthems last year, Lady Gaga joined the bandwagon by going all Euro-techno pop on us. The difference is her lyrics about self-confidence and great sense of melody.
Oh yeah, my hips swerve whenever I hear the beat to this one. I know clubbers in one Kuching club dance on table tops when this song came on. Me likey.


PARADISE - Coldplay

Coldplay combined rock and rave on that other track," Every Teardrop is a waterfall". But this second single from the Myloto Xyloto album transported our heads into another world. From Chris Martin's high-pitched "woo...oooh ooohs" to his story about some disappointed girl who dreams up fantasies at night, the song is fantasy to the max. Teh girl in the song is an updated revised of the girl mentioned in their 2005 hit "Fix You": that they are quite feminine with their protagonists, but have much mass appeal.


ANIMAL- Neon Trees

Here we go again/ I kinda wanna be more than friends...and that's how a fun song should sound like in this hectic world of social media and constant distraction.



Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Neil Patrick Harris. I have mentioned his name once before in this blog. It was regarding his fuss free nuptial with his partner.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


It's official. I am dating someone. It's a very complicated relationship: this person has his own shit, while I have my own shit about adjusting my routine to fit him into my life. (woah, I must be serious about him if I am actually "adjusting" my life)
And all that adjusting stresses me out. I rarely have any time for myself. But that's ok because it is a sacrifice I am willing to take- because I have not had a stable relationship for for more than 2 years - after my last break-up with you-know-who.

Friends advise me to take it easy and not put too much pressure on this guy I am dating. I should just enjoy the moment. But why is it so hard for me to simply enjoy myself?

There is no joy in my heart, I think sometimes. Where the fuck did it all go? Am I just stressed? I did cover an outstation assignment for a week recently, and my off days have been too few and infrequent. Or is it the work?

I always blame my work for all the unhappiness in my life. I feel I may be happier if I was not in my current occupation. But is that really the truth? I ask myself constantly: why do I want to quit? and I am never able to give a quick answer, or even any logical answer.

So, what? what? what?

Fucking questions which I don't need today, tomorrow or this afternoon.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I've been going out with this guy. He is nice and all, he works as management for a fast food chain. I like how we always end up going to cafes and restaurants and simply talk about everything under the sun.
The only thing about him is that he indicated he is not looking for something serious. The problem is I may be looking for something serious because, seriously, I have been feeling lonely for way too long.
But loneliness is not a good reason to date someone, or to fall in love with someone. At least that's what most people say.

OK, hold on. I am not in love with him yet. But I like him. There I said it. But are we a good match to make it last? I dunno. I cannot predict the future, can I ?

But of course, right on cue, my internal drama messes with my brain in this situation. You see, I am a very physical person. I express myself a lot with my body, and this happens a lot whenever I date someone. My problem is usually finding a balance between the physical and emotional aspects whenever I date someone. Most time, I focus so much in the physical part that I forget about the emotional aspects of things. And when I do not get this physical satisfaction, I would lash out at my significant other. That's what happened to me and my ex-boyfriend. And that relationship did not end well. I suffered the consequences of my big mouth and my moodiness.

Now, naturally, with this current person I am dating, I want to avoid all this drama. But it is creeping up on me again. I will damn well not want such crap as "Oh, I want more tender lovin' care, baby" get in the way of how great it's going.

It's going great because we go out, we talk, we eat nice food. We even went to a waterfall park and swam in the lovely cool water last weekend. It was the best respite in my pathetic two off days: two off days that was filled with worrying about work and too much thinking about work.

Maybe I need a HEALTHY outlet to vent my physical energy to. Dance, aerobics class are some things that come to mind- things I think I would enjoy and they involve myself doing it with other people, and most importantly, they involve rigorous activity.

Monday, November 14, 2011

well, well. here i am again. i will be friends with this guys coz that what he wants. nothing more

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Hari ni perlu paksa diri untuk jadi ceria. Imaginary dark clouds overcast. Seesh. Bukan apa-apa pun coz I think it's all in my mind. Aku sihat je tubuh badan, otak pun ok je. But dunno why I am so blue

Monday, October 17, 2011

A death of a colleague, Aaron last weekend provided me with an insight on the ways the living commemorate those who have passed on.
I had the pleasure of getting to know Aaron during several assignments when I was based in my company's headquarters in Kuala Lumpur.
Though we were never close as friends, it was easy to get to know him in our few encounters because of his friendly demenour.
It turns out I was not the only one who regarded him as a good natured person. Many fellow colleagues and friends remember him as a kind-hearted man who was always willing to help when it came to work.
Some described him as someone who never got angry.
News of his death due to respiratory-related complications came as a shock to many.
He had been unconscious for some time at the intensive care unit at a private hospital in Petaling Jaya.
The last I heard he had regained consciousness weeks prior to his death. I assumed he would make it and was on the road to recovery.
But those hopes were dashed when I received a call from a colleague on Saturday night that confirmed Aaron passed away at the ICU.
I called two other friends of mine to confirm about his death. One of them was Aaron's junior at his former workplace. His last job was as a reporter at a television news agency. The other was an entertainment reporter who was part of Aaron's circle of friends.
Both of them were unaware about the news, but they later confirmed it with their respective friends.
I was shocked and felt numb. The reality of it sank in after a few minutes of staring at my handphone. I would never see him again.
It is strange when one's peer dies. It reminds us of our own mortality. Aaron was only 40, and more or less of the same generation as I am.
The reality of it all hits a nerve whenever the death involves someone whom we have worked with. It is as if they were with us one moment, and gone the next.
I suppose death is like that. No one could ever predict when our time will come, or when people around us will leave us forever. No one is ever ready to face it.
Death is part and parcel of life, and it is something that will come in its due course. The death of our family members and friends stands as a reminder that we need to live our lives to the fullest and cherish the people around us.
I regret never visiting Aaron at the hospital because I assumed that when he regained consciousness, he was on his way to recovery.
At the back of my mind, I expected him to be back at work and updating his Facebook about his latest assignments and late nights at the office.
Most of all I regret delaying any intention of visiting him because of the fact that I was not that close to him, and that it may be awkward for me to be standing beside his family and close friends.
See what over-thinking could do sometimes?
Though I have experienced death of schoolmates and colleagues before, this time it seemed to be tinged with a lot of regret- the kind of regret of things I should have done when Aaron was alive.
It is unlike the time when a classmate of mine died after our big exam of Form Five.
It is unlike the incident when a schoolmate was killed after being hit by a car as he was crossing the road in front of my primary school in my hometown.
Deaths have been happening even in the media fraternity. Before Aaron, there was a bureau chief up north, Joshua who died after battling a severe disease three years ago.
Another TV cameraman, Nick was shot by a stray bullet while on assignment in a country plagued by civil unrest.
Though they were all different people, they were remembered for their deeds when they were alive. Joshua was an enthusiastic reporter who had a loud but infectious laugh, while Nick was said to be a very giving person.
The memory of these individuals live on with their families, friends and anyone whom were touched by their deeds.
It is like a novel I read recently about a single father who has to deal with his divorce and death of his father.
There is a part in the book, entitled Man and Boy by Tony Parsons in which the main character, Harry Silver has to explain to his young son, Pat about his grandfather's deteriorating health due to cancer.
Pat asks his father what happens when a person dies, and Harry struggles to find the right words. Instead, Harry rambles on about how some people believe the soul leaves the body and goes to another place, while others believe death is the beginning of the next cycle of existence.
Then Harry's young boy, who is 5 or 6 years old, bluntly asks : "What do you believe in"?
Though taken aback at the simple query, Harry says he believes the spirit continues to live on in the hearts of loved ones.
"I believe that too," is the boy's reply. Now that's a very smart kid, even though he may be fictional.

-----------
One last thought......

I was never close to Aaron. In fact, we haven't spoken to each other in at least five years. We dated for a couple of times, but that's it. Yes, that's the truth. The last time I bumped into him, he was walking several feet away from me at the headquarters. He barely saw me. So why do I even think there was anything between me and him? Maybe because I wished we could have been more than friends. But life never works out the way you want it sometimes, does it? Take a chill pill, y'all

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Hello and peace be upon you.

I will stick around for the time being because I am sticking by my words, which I have written for the past many years. I can only pray that my decision is for the better. I wish to remain positive despite everything that has been hurled against me.

The change of my blog's title is inspired by a text message I received from a colleague yesterday. It said: "I'm on your side", and it made me realise, at this point in my life, I do not feel like having anyone by my side.
It is okay if I have to be alone in my life, thoughts and emotions. I rather be alone than to have someone support me. Let me be. Go away, all of you. Go away.

Of course I still will interact with colleagues at work, and with family members at home, but that's as far as it goes, for the time being.
I have no one to whom I confide to anymore, or at least for the past month or so.

I feel so alone in my life now. I have no friends whom I could readily call, because I feel that I have successfully distanced myself from all of them.

This loneliness has been occuring for at least a year now, and it causes me to drive around alone at night, aimlessly to far off places. I suppose I think that if I go further away, I may find someone or something I am looking for.

When I think of the lack of friends I have around me in town and out of town, I think that it would do me good to find a new scene and meet new people. Start over.
But I must be a friend first, before I could find a friend.
It was suggested that I should start over with my blogging activity, and that I should start another blog at another web address. But then I read over my entries over the past years and I feel reluctant to let them go.
Again, my decision may be for the better or for the worse. But I have to take this risk.