I am feeling very very guilty.
Guilty that I may have done something bad to my couple.
I would still call ourselves a casually dating couple.
There's been no declaration on status from either one of us.
But like a friend told me, shouldn't I shower all my love and emotion on the person I date?
Yes. But, there's a part of me, a very idiotic part of me who does not want to pursue this thing with the nurse.
Which is stupid because I am very lucky to have this person in my life.
Last night, I went out and stayed away from the nurse for the third night in a row. Previously we have been meeting up every now and then.
But there is something wrong with me to make me do this. I think it's because I am holding back on a part of myself.
I need to find a pastime to well, pass my time. And it's gotta be something I enjoy doing. And it's gotta be something really wild and physically demanding and that could tire me out.
I need a hobby.
I am kinda jealous that the nurse I'm dating has that- modelling. The nurse is a finalist for a modelling competition on Sunday. That's cool.
He loves his job but he likes his modelling hobby too. He's trained with a modelling agency before, so he has the skills. He's really ecstatic because this is the first competition that he's made it all the way to finals.
As for me, I am just a guilty-wreck, if there's such a thing.
There was a point yesterday when I felt I was moving backwards- text messaging my Ex, going through the motions of my stupid routines as a single guy. But all for what?
To be lonely in the end? To have no love & affection in my life.
To be devoid of emotion & just be a piece of flesh & bone?