I PRAY TO THEE FOR STRENGTH OF WILL.
I ASK FROM THEE THE COURAGE TO STAND MY GROUND.
I ASK OF THEE THE WILLINGNESS TO SURVIVE.
*************
I have been fucking complacent. What the fuck have I been doing? Abso-fucking nothing. I'd thought that I'd be untouchable? They've touched you now, haven't they? A bit too much touching.
This is a lesson for you that you should never be complacent, lazy and take things for granted. What the fuck have I achieved?
And why is it so fucking hard to gain control of my life? WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO GAIN CONTROL OF MY LIFE?
Everything is pre-destined, but fuck if we all just wait around to be fucking spoon-fed. You get what you give. Do something.
When I joined this company, I felt relieved because my family could finally shut up about me not having a job.
Now that I have the job, I have to be fucking honest here, sometimes I feel the money means abso-fucking-lutely nothing to me. It means nothing to me save for the fact it pays for my hedonistic activities. Yes I need the damn money to survive. But If I hadn't the money, and I had to live without my current luxuries, I would- be miserable, but at the least I'd be living on my own terms.
I actually told one of the bosses whom I appealed to that I wanted to study performing arts at The National Arts Academy. I don't know why I told him- I don't even tell it to my close friends. But the boss just ignored my intention and focused on the fact that employees are required to shift around as it is stated in our contract.
I feel like I might have made a lousy attempt to appeal about my transfer-A very lousy attempt with weak and unconvincing arguments. So who cares? Fuck you. I talked with the three top bosses of the company, though my methods were not particularly smart, I believe I talked to them in my own way. I knew what I was doing.
I would like to say, that I don't want to be known as a fucking idiot or fucking weak and soft. Yeah, I may have been born that way, but doesn't mean that I have to fucking be a bendover asshole all the fucking time. And I 'm aware of the person everyone thinks that I am. All I can say is yeah, it's fucking true. You got a fucking problem with that? Now fuck off and get back to work! Get a fucking life. THAT fact is not the biggest deal of my life. Even if I had gone to the other, regular side, I'd still have tons of problems in my life. So really it doesn't solve anything.
This is just a reminder to myself to gain comtrol of my life. In the end my mind, body and soul is 'terhakis'. Slowly yet surely terhakis, fast eroding man. A friend of mine says she wants to do this job as well as become a performing artiste and be on TV. she wants it all. I think by being the person I am now, I can't be the person whom I want to be. I guess, I hate to admit it, the two live in separate worlds.
THOUGH, I do look at every experience I have as beneficial. I do believe in teh power of experience, and how it can add many dimensions to you.
I'm rambling, and it's 4am.
I wish I could take all this blackness, all this madness, all this fear and uncertainty out of me and show it to people. But I can't, most of the time. Sometimes all that comes out with my conversations with friends. And I am most grateful for them listening to me. But I must say that conversation isn't doing it for me. Conversation does not satisfy me. It gets just maybe one per cent of my feelings to the outside world. Though through the years I've tried to make it come out more during conversations. Because there really isn't any other channel now for me to express myself. save for those private moments in my car, singing to songs or dancing.
Writings of a depressed person? Damn right. But I need to tell all this now, in this moment. Hopefully tomorrow I'll blog less and focus on my actual life. But this is what I'm feeling right now. Nak transfer, transfer lah. But I'll still live on my own terms.
I ASK FROM THEE THE COURAGE TO STAND MY GROUND.
I ASK OF THEE THE WILLINGNESS TO SURVIVE.
*************
I have been fucking complacent. What the fuck have I been doing? Abso-fucking nothing. I'd thought that I'd be untouchable? They've touched you now, haven't they? A bit too much touching.
This is a lesson for you that you should never be complacent, lazy and take things for granted. What the fuck have I achieved?
And why is it so fucking hard to gain control of my life? WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO GAIN CONTROL OF MY LIFE?
Everything is pre-destined, but fuck if we all just wait around to be fucking spoon-fed. You get what you give. Do something.
When I joined this company, I felt relieved because my family could finally shut up about me not having a job.
Now that I have the job, I have to be fucking honest here, sometimes I feel the money means abso-fucking-lutely nothing to me. It means nothing to me save for the fact it pays for my hedonistic activities. Yes I need the damn money to survive. But If I hadn't the money, and I had to live without my current luxuries, I would- be miserable, but at the least I'd be living on my own terms.
I actually told one of the bosses whom I appealed to that I wanted to study performing arts at The National Arts Academy. I don't know why I told him- I don't even tell it to my close friends. But the boss just ignored my intention and focused on the fact that employees are required to shift around as it is stated in our contract.
I feel like I might have made a lousy attempt to appeal about my transfer-A very lousy attempt with weak and unconvincing arguments. So who cares? Fuck you. I talked with the three top bosses of the company, though my methods were not particularly smart, I believe I talked to them in my own way. I knew what I was doing.
I would like to say, that I don't want to be known as a fucking idiot or fucking weak and soft. Yeah, I may have been born that way, but doesn't mean that I have to fucking be a bendover asshole all the fucking time. And I 'm aware of the person everyone thinks that I am. All I can say is yeah, it's fucking true. You got a fucking problem with that? Now fuck off and get back to work! Get a fucking life. THAT fact is not the biggest deal of my life. Even if I had gone to the other, regular side, I'd still have tons of problems in my life. So really it doesn't solve anything.
This is just a reminder to myself to gain comtrol of my life. In the end my mind, body and soul is 'terhakis'. Slowly yet surely terhakis, fast eroding man. A friend of mine says she wants to do this job as well as become a performing artiste and be on TV. she wants it all. I think by being the person I am now, I can't be the person whom I want to be. I guess, I hate to admit it, the two live in separate worlds.
THOUGH, I do look at every experience I have as beneficial. I do believe in teh power of experience, and how it can add many dimensions to you.
I'm rambling, and it's 4am.
I wish I could take all this blackness, all this madness, all this fear and uncertainty out of me and show it to people. But I can't, most of the time. Sometimes all that comes out with my conversations with friends. And I am most grateful for them listening to me. But I must say that conversation isn't doing it for me. Conversation does not satisfy me. It gets just maybe one per cent of my feelings to the outside world. Though through the years I've tried to make it come out more during conversations. Because there really isn't any other channel now for me to express myself. save for those private moments in my car, singing to songs or dancing.
Writings of a depressed person? Damn right. But I need to tell all this now, in this moment. Hopefully tomorrow I'll blog less and focus on my actual life. But this is what I'm feeling right now. Nak transfer, transfer lah. But I'll still live on my own terms.
Comments