WRITING WITH ABANDON AND RISKING IT ALL
I could juist not do it. And have a quiet weekend. But instead I want to do it because I think I can do it.
I want to crawl underneath a hole and just hide there forever because i FEEL SO SMLL and unimortant.
That's how I write. Look at this writing it' srubbish. But that the reality of it. I've worked for more than two years, actually almost three years in four month's time. But I stil haven't mastered the art of typing using a keyboard. My spelling is atrocious. And i don't give a shit . Though today I'm kinda happy coz I good news after weeks and week, I just felt like a loser when I hung out with friends in KL the other day. I feel like, what the hell I'm just a useless bum. But heck at least I have a job!
Really lah, actually who gives a hoot if you are not good at your job. Damn, at least you have a paying, quite good job!
It pays well, the benefits are planty both financially and reputation/experience/personal growth-wise. Why the hell am I complaining? Oh yes I remember. Coz I'm supposed be this. I'm SUPPOSED to be that.
You know today I was listening to N'Sync's BYE BYE BYE and just enjoying the song by myself in the car. Imagining I was dancing just like jUstin, JC , Joey, Lance and Chris (Astagfirullah aku ingat semua nama2 depa!)
I know, this probably has nothing to do with the other. BUT I think lah, that I can work my job and still enjoy the entertainment scene. I can still be within the coolness zone. What, can also what? Many others have done it.
Anyway I always feel that anybody would die to experience the stuff that I go through- like today- interviewing a father who lost his youngest son due to drowning.
The emotions at those kind of crimes are so real that to me, they can become so fake almost like a movie or TV show. Seriously that's how I feel sometimes.
For me, I get more emotional when I watch actors on the big screen playing out a sappy scene rather than when I see it at the assignments.
You know why? This is what I think is the reason: Because to me meeting the parents of a dead child is like a job. So no amount of emotional 'floods' can be gained from such an activity.
It makes it worse when there are several reporters including me who take the tenderness of the moment out by asking all kinds of 'logistical' questions. As with today's crime it was "So tuan, how many rescuers were involved in today's operation?"
Yes. It is a necessary question in my job. But when it came right after seing the father faint after bringing out the dead body, it was such an anti-climax.
It wasn't a movie. It was work.
I've never been much of a storyteller. I'm always the listener while my friends had hundreds of stories to tell me. Me, I never had this desire to blurt out stories about my life and other people. I've never been into gossips and rumours.
I always reckoned people who like to gossip would have a knack for my job. These are people who are aware of every single thing, every single story and every single secret in their community.
But then again, it's is a job, right? You do it coz you do it. I may not be like my boss who wants to right the wrongs in the world and stand up for the 'little people' and expose those lazy people who serve the general public; but at least I know the meaning of responsibility.
If I have a job. I must do it. Nevermind that I fail doing it, but at least I DO it. That's what's important. That's what it's all about.
I could juist not do it. And have a quiet weekend. But instead I want to do it because I think I can do it.
I want to crawl underneath a hole and just hide there forever because i FEEL SO SMLL and unimortant.
That's how I write. Look at this writing it' srubbish. But that the reality of it. I've worked for more than two years, actually almost three years in four month's time. But I stil haven't mastered the art of typing using a keyboard. My spelling is atrocious. And i don't give a shit . Though today I'm kinda happy coz I good news after weeks and week, I just felt like a loser when I hung out with friends in KL the other day. I feel like, what the hell I'm just a useless bum. But heck at least I have a job!
Really lah, actually who gives a hoot if you are not good at your job. Damn, at least you have a paying, quite good job!
It pays well, the benefits are planty both financially and reputation/experience/personal growth-wise. Why the hell am I complaining? Oh yes I remember. Coz I'm supposed be this. I'm SUPPOSED to be that.
You know today I was listening to N'Sync's BYE BYE BYE and just enjoying the song by myself in the car. Imagining I was dancing just like jUstin, JC , Joey, Lance and Chris (Astagfirullah aku ingat semua nama2 depa!)
I know, this probably has nothing to do with the other. BUT I think lah, that I can work my job and still enjoy the entertainment scene. I can still be within the coolness zone. What, can also what? Many others have done it.
Anyway I always feel that anybody would die to experience the stuff that I go through- like today- interviewing a father who lost his youngest son due to drowning.
The emotions at those kind of crimes are so real that to me, they can become so fake almost like a movie or TV show. Seriously that's how I feel sometimes.
For me, I get more emotional when I watch actors on the big screen playing out a sappy scene rather than when I see it at the assignments.
You know why? This is what I think is the reason: Because to me meeting the parents of a dead child is like a job. So no amount of emotional 'floods' can be gained from such an activity.
It makes it worse when there are several reporters including me who take the tenderness of the moment out by asking all kinds of 'logistical' questions. As with today's crime it was "So tuan, how many rescuers were involved in today's operation?"
Yes. It is a necessary question in my job. But when it came right after seing the father faint after bringing out the dead body, it was such an anti-climax.
It wasn't a movie. It was work.
I've never been much of a storyteller. I'm always the listener while my friends had hundreds of stories to tell me. Me, I never had this desire to blurt out stories about my life and other people. I've never been into gossips and rumours.
I always reckoned people who like to gossip would have a knack for my job. These are people who are aware of every single thing, every single story and every single secret in their community.
But then again, it's is a job, right? You do it coz you do it. I may not be like my boss who wants to right the wrongs in the world and stand up for the 'little people' and expose those lazy people who serve the general public; but at least I know the meaning of responsibility.
If I have a job. I must do it. Nevermind that I fail doing it, but at least I DO it. That's what's important. That's what it's all about.
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