Just Skip This 'Cause I'm Just Rambling (How Sorry I feel for Myself)
Something is definitely wrong with me. There must be something wrong, if not why would I be feeling, erm, depressed. OK lah let me use the word sad. Feeling down, if you may. 'Depressed' sounds too clinical and it sounds vague.
Trying to pin-point the reason is tough to do. Work doesn't satisfy me. My personal life doesn't satisfy me. Woah, don't get me wrong. Work keeps me on my toes. If I weren't working I'd be burying my face under the sheets all day and sleeping.
Last night I did that.
After work, still clad in my work clothes I simply collapsed on my bed and slept. I just didn't have the will to do anything. My mind races. All kinds of things go through my crazy head. Example: I want to go out to eat, I want to shave my head, I want to this, I want to that. Sometimes I get confused just thinking about all that stuff. In the end, I end up doing nothing. It is so so bad to only live in your head.
Of course I have dozens of friends who I can call up and confide in. But still, there is this void inside me.
Maybe it's because I haven't been getting lucky lately (My close friends, and you, the casual reader may know what I mean. It's obvious what it means, right?). The sad thing is that I keep looking for it. I spend a lot of time looking for it. And it's not something new to me. Ever since I can remember, since my university days, I've always went out to look for 'it'.
So, aku tahu sangat lah perangai aku ni..
But that can't be it. Even when I'm feeling okay I would still look for 'it'. It's part of the problem, I suppose.
My concentration is waning, also. My head is not functioning properly. Maybe because my heart is affected. Maybe I'm just feeling alone and sad. Frustrated because I ain't getting any. But then again the thought of being with someone, at this time, will not make me happy. Or maybe it's like Austin Powers: I've lost my modjo baby!
I was reading an article yesterday in Time magazine about the secrets of ambition. One theory about ambitious people is they are worried about failing. These people come from the upper middle class group. They know that they are well off but they're not the richest people in the world either.
The article featured numerous successful people. There were these twins who owned a chain of fitness centres in the US. They came from a wealthy family background, but their complacent attitude changed when their dad sold the family business. Basically, they were very passive complacent people, living a comfortable life who changed their attitude during a crucial point in their life.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M NOT A GO-GETTER! Many people have criticised me for this attitude. Yes, I'm passive! Yes. I am Ramblinging, and I'm a passiive son of a gun. So sue me, you son of bitches.
Something is definitely wrong with me. There must be something wrong, if not why would I be feeling, erm, depressed. OK lah let me use the word sad. Feeling down, if you may. 'Depressed' sounds too clinical and it sounds vague.
Trying to pin-point the reason is tough to do. Work doesn't satisfy me. My personal life doesn't satisfy me. Woah, don't get me wrong. Work keeps me on my toes. If I weren't working I'd be burying my face under the sheets all day and sleeping.
Last night I did that.
After work, still clad in my work clothes I simply collapsed on my bed and slept. I just didn't have the will to do anything. My mind races. All kinds of things go through my crazy head. Example: I want to go out to eat, I want to shave my head, I want to this, I want to that. Sometimes I get confused just thinking about all that stuff. In the end, I end up doing nothing. It is so so bad to only live in your head.
Of course I have dozens of friends who I can call up and confide in. But still, there is this void inside me.
Maybe it's because I haven't been getting lucky lately (My close friends, and you, the casual reader may know what I mean. It's obvious what it means, right?). The sad thing is that I keep looking for it. I spend a lot of time looking for it. And it's not something new to me. Ever since I can remember, since my university days, I've always went out to look for 'it'.
So, aku tahu sangat lah perangai aku ni..
But that can't be it. Even when I'm feeling okay I would still look for 'it'. It's part of the problem, I suppose.
My concentration is waning, also. My head is not functioning properly. Maybe because my heart is affected. Maybe I'm just feeling alone and sad. Frustrated because I ain't getting any. But then again the thought of being with someone, at this time, will not make me happy. Or maybe it's like Austin Powers: I've lost my modjo baby!
I was reading an article yesterday in Time magazine about the secrets of ambition. One theory about ambitious people is they are worried about failing. These people come from the upper middle class group. They know that they are well off but they're not the richest people in the world either.
The article featured numerous successful people. There were these twins who owned a chain of fitness centres in the US. They came from a wealthy family background, but their complacent attitude changed when their dad sold the family business. Basically, they were very passive complacent people, living a comfortable life who changed their attitude during a crucial point in their life.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M NOT A GO-GETTER! Many people have criticised me for this attitude. Yes, I'm passive! Yes. I am Ramblinging, and I'm a passiive son of a gun. So sue me, you son of bitches.
Comments
I so know what you mean. I don't know if it's OK to feel lost and empty.. but hey, I feel LOST and EMPTY most of the time too. Even when I'm in the company of good friends.
So you're definitely NOT alone on that one!
And yes, it's ok to be ambitious. I think it drives you. I think everyone should have a mission/vision/goal or whatever you want to call it. And it can be just about anything too.
Some ppl want more money to travel. Some want a promotion. Some want to get married. While some just want a partner to fuck.
Oh gosh. Now I'm rambling too. But the thing is, I sometimes feel so useless/empty/lonely/lost too. But I always blame it on PMS lah.. heheh.
Maybe you can blame it on PMS too...?
Hmmm. You need to do something different. Go on a well-deserved holiday, join a theatre group, fuck a nice, sweet man (or a good friend, for a change..), go for vocal classes...
You can be all depressed and sad for a few days (I think everybody is entitled to go all whiny and weepy once in awhile) but don't let it get to you. Don't let it consume you and leave you dry.
Once you're done wallowing in self-pity and all that shit, stand up again. Cuz you know there is so much more to life than you ever imagined.
God make earth such a wonderful place to live in. And we're in Malaysia, for God's sake! We have beautiful blue skies, high mountains and lovely beaches.
You need a retreat, huns. Go treat yourself! *smile*
As if you must know, I'm just a phone call away.. And I love you SOOOOOOO MUCH! Heheh..
geez... heheh..
Been feeling like that lately. and today, i was going arond the office asking people, if its okie if i killed someone or at least a chicken at that. news all around is soo depresssing!
Yesterday i wanted to go wash my hair to get rid of all the nasty hoggingg in my head ( i don't know how it helps but it helps). anyways i walked out of the house and i felt so lazy to walk that although i was half way through, i turned back home and went back to sleep:)
Hang in there doll. Life can be full of shit so you can be shittin around and you'l still be forgiven..:)
Been feeling like that lately. and today, i was going arond the office asking people, if its okie if i killed someone or at least a chicken at that. news all around is soo depresssing!
Yesterday i wanted to go wash my hair to get rid of all the nasty hoggingg in my head ( i don't know how it helps but it helps). anyways i walked out of the house and i felt so lazy to walk that although i was half way through, i turned back home and went back to sleep:)
Hang in there doll. Life can be full of shit so you can be shittin around and you'l still be forgiven..:)
Been feeling like that lately. and today, i was going arond the office asking people, if its okie if i killed someone or at least a chicken at that. news all around is soo depresssing!
Yesterday i wanted to go wash my hair to get rid of all the nasty hoggingg in my head ( i don't know how it helps but it helps). anyways i walked out of the house and i felt so lazy to walk that although i was half way through, i turned back home and went back to sleep:)
Hang in there doll. Life can be full of shit so you can be shittin around and you'l still be forgiven..:)
Ok, we hardly talk but just want you to know I still love you and you're still my favourite girlfriend. Hang in there, I know the mood you're feeling - or something similar to it anyway.
Inevitable, I guess, now and again. Even when things seem to be all rosy you suddenly stop and wither in the loneliness of the bleakness.
What you need is a good break, or maybe a change of scenery for a while (and if you're lucky, you'll "get lucky" in the process *wink*). Take care. *HUGZ*