Psychobabble
I promised myself that I won't be bitter or spiteful of others. But I can't help it. What's wrong with me? Obviously something's bugging me. But I can't put a finger on it. After finishing up work, I jumped in my car and drove across the state. Got as far as the border checkpoint. Then I drove south using the highway and took the exit at Star city. I told my colleague that I am taking an off day tomorrow. I gotta get my act together, lah. I can't go on living this way.
What's wrong with me?
Foremost is that I need an off day. Secondly I have been delaying renewing my passport, and that frustrates me: I hate it when all my needs are compromised just because I don't make the time to do stuff. Now, we all know I need a passport for my job because you never know what might happen across the border. I am feeling damn weird because I have not had a meaningful conversation with anyone lately. It sucks being lonely. I am surrounded by a dozen people every day, but I can't seem to COMMUNICATE well. I am unable to express my feelings well. I feel that I have lost control of my life. How do I gain back that control? The worse thing is that I'm the most stubborn person in the world. You can't tell me what to do. I hate being told what to do--I would rather do things on my own free will, or at least, do things after convincing myself.
I may be a polite little boy who smiles and nods a lot, but my spirit is that of a hardheaded Wall Street executive. Or maybe a carefree hippie. (Bear with me now) The thing is, people persuade me to stuff every day. I am forced to fulfil half of these "instructions". I do these things reluctantly, but I still do them. It is hard for me to refuse people and say "no". Other people simply give excuses and argue and cook up reasons, instead of just saying no. Maybe I should be like other people and just give excuses or make an argument as to why I should not do something. You get my drift?
If I feel strongly about not doing something, then I should let it be known. I mean, there are reasons for everything. And if I don't want to do something, then I'm sure I have, deep down in my heart, a valid reason to not wanting to do it. Geewhizz, this is sounding so fucking confusing. But it's quite a simple concept.
The point is that I'm a fairly rational person. So I have a right to refuse people sometimes. That's the point I'm trying to make. And yes, this may be one reason why I have been feeling weird. A colleague persuaded me to order freakin' Pizza Hut today. But I felt full and did not want the pizza. I alreday had pizza yesterday. But this colleague persuaded me to call up the pizza delivery hotline. And I did so very reluctantly. This colleague is from another company, by the way. And he had pissed me off earlier today by asking me to call up the police for a follow up. I was busy finishing up my work and he was disturbing me during. he telephoned me during those last few minutes when peopla re about to complete a task. You know, the moment when you need total concentration. He pissed me off, itu lah ceritanya....Yes, he is a colleague and I surely need his help. He depends on me just as I depend on him for work. But he pissed me off. And that, my fellow psycho-analytical friends, is a valid human emotion. So go on and feel it. And be sure to let him know..I am freaking myself out with all this psychobabble.
Probably, I am pissed off at him because I've been so uptight lately. And I can't understand why I could be so uptight. Why should I be uptight, or stressed for that matter? I have a new colleague in the office. That means I could get off and he'll be around to man the fort. He may be new, but his language is impeccable. And I can always guide him through the phone. And the headquarters could always correct him through the phone.
So, the problem is within myself. It may be "an internal conflict" a boss once told me. She once gave me this pep talk after I made a big blunder in a task. On that occassion, I was a very naughty junior who refused to follow my senior's instructions. Boleh? Looking back at that incident, I am thankful that she advised me.
Whatever happened in the past, let it go and let it be lesson to us. Right? Right now I am feeling strangely glum. I need to do something to fix this thing inside me. This problem has manifested into unhealthy habits: I'm eating more, I'm smoking cigarettes a lot, I hate waking up early in the mornings (which reminds me, I need to put some perky uplifting music in the mornings). It doesn't help that I have Coldplay's CD 'Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends' on constant rotation- both in my head and on my car stereo. Studies show that people like to put on Coldplay to fall asleep. Yikes! But fret not, Chris Martin and Co., there are a handful of uplifting songs on that album (par exemple: Viva La Vida et Strawberry Swing). So I can't blame Coldplay for my problem.
I promised myself that I won't be bitter or spiteful of others. But I can't help it. What's wrong with me? Obviously something's bugging me. But I can't put a finger on it. After finishing up work, I jumped in my car and drove across the state. Got as far as the border checkpoint. Then I drove south using the highway and took the exit at Star city. I told my colleague that I am taking an off day tomorrow. I gotta get my act together, lah. I can't go on living this way.
What's wrong with me?
Foremost is that I need an off day. Secondly I have been delaying renewing my passport, and that frustrates me: I hate it when all my needs are compromised just because I don't make the time to do stuff. Now, we all know I need a passport for my job because you never know what might happen across the border. I am feeling damn weird because I have not had a meaningful conversation with anyone lately. It sucks being lonely. I am surrounded by a dozen people every day, but I can't seem to COMMUNICATE well. I am unable to express my feelings well. I feel that I have lost control of my life. How do I gain back that control? The worse thing is that I'm the most stubborn person in the world. You can't tell me what to do. I hate being told what to do--I would rather do things on my own free will, or at least, do things after convincing myself.
I may be a polite little boy who smiles and nods a lot, but my spirit is that of a hardheaded Wall Street executive. Or maybe a carefree hippie. (Bear with me now) The thing is, people persuade me to stuff every day. I am forced to fulfil half of these "instructions". I do these things reluctantly, but I still do them. It is hard for me to refuse people and say "no". Other people simply give excuses and argue and cook up reasons, instead of just saying no. Maybe I should be like other people and just give excuses or make an argument as to why I should not do something. You get my drift?
If I feel strongly about not doing something, then I should let it be known. I mean, there are reasons for everything. And if I don't want to do something, then I'm sure I have, deep down in my heart, a valid reason to not wanting to do it. Geewhizz, this is sounding so fucking confusing. But it's quite a simple concept.
The point is that I'm a fairly rational person. So I have a right to refuse people sometimes. That's the point I'm trying to make. And yes, this may be one reason why I have been feeling weird. A colleague persuaded me to order freakin' Pizza Hut today. But I felt full and did not want the pizza. I alreday had pizza yesterday. But this colleague persuaded me to call up the pizza delivery hotline. And I did so very reluctantly. This colleague is from another company, by the way. And he had pissed me off earlier today by asking me to call up the police for a follow up. I was busy finishing up my work and he was disturbing me during. he telephoned me during those last few minutes when peopla re about to complete a task. You know, the moment when you need total concentration. He pissed me off, itu lah ceritanya....Yes, he is a colleague and I surely need his help. He depends on me just as I depend on him for work. But he pissed me off. And that, my fellow psycho-analytical friends, is a valid human emotion. So go on and feel it. And be sure to let him know..I am freaking myself out with all this psychobabble.
Probably, I am pissed off at him because I've been so uptight lately. And I can't understand why I could be so uptight. Why should I be uptight, or stressed for that matter? I have a new colleague in the office. That means I could get off and he'll be around to man the fort. He may be new, but his language is impeccable. And I can always guide him through the phone. And the headquarters could always correct him through the phone.
So, the problem is within myself. It may be "an internal conflict" a boss once told me. She once gave me this pep talk after I made a big blunder in a task. On that occassion, I was a very naughty junior who refused to follow my senior's instructions. Boleh? Looking back at that incident, I am thankful that she advised me.
Whatever happened in the past, let it go and let it be lesson to us. Right? Right now I am feeling strangely glum. I need to do something to fix this thing inside me. This problem has manifested into unhealthy habits: I'm eating more, I'm smoking cigarettes a lot, I hate waking up early in the mornings (which reminds me, I need to put some perky uplifting music in the mornings). It doesn't help that I have Coldplay's CD 'Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends' on constant rotation- both in my head and on my car stereo. Studies show that people like to put on Coldplay to fall asleep. Yikes! But fret not, Chris Martin and Co., there are a handful of uplifting songs on that album (par exemple: Viva La Vida et Strawberry Swing). So I can't blame Coldplay for my problem.
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